For so long, maybe since the beginning of my time, i have been afraid of me, content to be mediocre, lacklustre, too afraid to take risks that counted me in. Skating on corporate coat-tails, tailgating their highs, and believing that i am genuinely happy for/at successes, yet never satisfied personally, not with achievement, but wanting to do bigger, be better, go farther, never acknowledging powers of the moment of absolute action and consequences of acceptance. Always in diss of the moment, longing for intervention of the ‘divine’ but I know that in the formative years it was intervention of the ‘maternal’ the woman who bore me, shaped me. I was ( and maybe still bear the traces) anxious, neurotic and self sabotaging. I like to think that I have worked through those traits, however, like any addictive personality, once you look down, you are never able to get out scott free, never get away from the fear of being nobody. Being nobody happens to everybody sometimes, with me, I just stayed there a little longer. The teachings say that we come with love, we come because we want to be here, we come with all the attributes that we intend on coming with. i believe in that, i did, how else could I have succeeded in creating families, that would keep it together, no matter the cost or self scarifice/sacrifice.

You are a nobody, sang Dean Martin, but I will change the next line, You are a nobody until your mother loves you rings true, and clanged on till my 30’s.